Unnecessary (?) Fears

Apart from the somewhat “normal” things that I’m afraid of (i.e. not getting what I want out of life; not saving enough for retirement; Logan getting hurt), I am ashamed to admit that I may (cough cough undoubtedly) have some irrational fears as well. Logan tells me that I am too particular about some things (like the way dishes are put in the dishwasher or what kind of yogurt I buy), but this is really all because I am afraid of certain things happening and wish to prevent them if possible. So, I’ve compiled a list of my most irrational fears for you lucky readers. Please enjoy. And just so you know, I did not pull any of these out of thin air–I’ve thought them all more than once.

  • When I get out of bed and put on my slippers, there will be a cockroach or spider waiting inside to bite me.
  • When I go rock climbing and grab a hold, a scorpion or snake will be there and sting/bite me.
  • When I get in the shower, I will pull the shower curtain closed too quickly and spiders who were hiding in the curtain will fall into the shower with me (this has happened, and they were huge). So, I shake the curtain before I get in.
  • If I don’t pull the shower curtain closed after I take a shower, a stranger/thief/rapist will look through the window that sits in the shower wall and be able to see the whole bathroom, which helps him to decide that he does in fact want to break in and rob us.
  • After I get home from a long day at work and go use the bathroom, I have to check behind the shower curtain that I previously pulled closed in case a stranger/rapist/thief (a) has been hiding in our tub, waiting for the right moment to murder me, (b) broke in through the window, leaving glass everywhere, or (c) is staring at me through said window, creeping.
  • When I sit down on the toilet to use the restroom at night (great visual, I know), our next-door neighbors are able to see me through the crack in the curtains in the next room if I leave the bathroom door open while I go.
  • When I get out of the car and go to put the keys in my purse, I will not be paying close attention and will accidentally throw my keys on the ground and leave them instead of making it safely into my bag.
  • When I’m in line at the grocery store/post office/etc. and someone is close behind me, they will reach into my purse and steal my phone or wallet without me noticing.
  • As I listen to an intense news report and subconsciously clench my jaw by biting down hard, this will cause my teeth to break or shatter. Therefore, I try to keep my face neutral when I listen to NPR News.
  • When I drive past the (possible) drug dealer’s house behind my office, someone will jump out from behind the bushes right in front of my car and I will automatically brake, and another person will open the passenger side door and carjack me.
  • If I drink from a glass of water that has been sitting out overnight, I will be drinking the water that a rat took a bath in while I slept (you can thank Logan for that one).
  • When I walk through the sliding doors at the grocery store, they will suddenly close, squishing me between them.
  • When I push a grocery cart, I will somehow get one of my fingers caught between the wheel and the part that goes over it while the cart is moving, and my skin will be pushed back from my fingernail (this has also happened when I was a kid and riding on the bottom of the cart. Ask my mother. Every time I talk or am around grocery carts, I subconsciously rub my finger like it’s hurting).
  • When I pass a gangster-looking car because they legitimately are going too slow, they will shoot at me as I pass because they were offended and/or were waiting on someone to shoot for their gang initiation.
  • A hand from under the bed will grab my ankle as I walk by.
  • The car will explode when I start it after getting gas.
  • When I sing along to the radio while driving, there will be someone hiding in the back of the car, judging my singing voice and how much passion I’m putting into it.
  • While I drive down a particularly bumpy road, something will fall out from the bottom of my vehicle and I will run it over and have a blowout.
  • When I open the drawers to this old wooden desk that’s in the corner of my office, I will find a nest of rat babies and one of them will crawl up my arm.
  • When I go out to our garage to do laundry, there will be a squatter in there.
  • When I open the door to our spare bedroom that we never go in, there will be a squatter in there.
  • When I check my tire pressure, the tire will explode and my face will be ripped off.
  • If my fork touches the bottom of my sink and then I put it in my mouth again, I will get a disease.
  • If I’m trying to describe someone to another person in public and say “he’s black” or “she’s Hispanic,” someone nearby who is black or Hispanic will hear me and think I’m racist.
  • When I check the mail, I will see a dead body in the brush across the street.
  • When I open the door to our house after being gone for a few hours, there will be a psychotic murderer sitting on our couch, tauntingly waiting to torture and kill us with a glass of scotch in his had (we don’t even have scotch. But it fits).
  • When I’m taking off my eye makeup at night, all my eyelashes will fall out and never grow back.
  • When I wear a scarf, a stranger will run up and try to strangle me with it.
  • When I think something bad about someone, they will be a mind-reader and hear my thoughts.
  • When I open the oven, a feral cat will be inside and scratch my face.
I may need to be analyzed by my friendly neighborhood psychiatrist. Also, I think this may be the result of watching too many Law and Orders.
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Do YOU have any irrational fears? Please don’t be shy, because I will feel much better if I’m not the only one.
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P.S. I found inspiration for this post from “Everything is Trying to Kill Me” by  Oh Noa.
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7 thoughts on “Unnecessary (?) Fears

  1. This is brilliant. I love it and thoroughly enjoyed it because I can easily relate. You know I have a ton of irrational fears, one of the weirdest (and now most well known) is my fear of whales. :)

  2. Thanks for the laugh! It gave me an extra burst of energy at the end of the week! I have several of these same fears however, some of them make me think you need to consider moving to a new neighborhood.

    • Haha Beth! I think what makes most of these fears irrational is that I live in BG with nice neighbors, so a lot of the ones about robbers/attackers would probably never happen in a million years.

  3. Hahaha oh Alyssa this made me laugh! I too must place the dishes in the dishwasher in a certain way and i hate the shower curtain being ledt open, but have a fear someone will be hiding behind it. I thought I was the only paranoid one! My list goes on and on….

  4. You make me laugh!!! Can’t believe you actually wrote these down! I definitely get the ones about shower curtain! Mine are a lot less sinister – like losing my mind – but I won’t know its happened! :) JA

  5. Gracie, I feel a deep need to apologize to you. I have most of these fears mentioned in your blog…either its in the genes or I have been a horrible mother passing on these fears to you as you grew up under my influence. I have always feared that my children would have the fears that I fear I have (lol). I have always had the same hangups in the bathroom that you have…closing the blinds even though I am the length of two football fields away from the nearest neighbor and live in the boonies. I still feel guilty about your finger accident at the grocery store and do not allow the grandchildren to ride on bottom of the cart. (I only let them ride in the basket now and so have developed the new fear that they will try to bail out in the freezer section). I cant believe you havent developed the fear of using syrup that comes in glass containers…you will have to write about that in a future blog…lol. Oh, be sure and ask Dad about the baby mouse nest he found in the bottom drawer of the secretary in den. They had no appreciation for all the hard work Dad had done on the Campbell geneology. Anyway, I love you and love your blogs (I still think you should write an article for a magazine or newspaper)!

  6. “If I’m trying to describe someone to another person in public and say “he’s black” or “she’s Hispanic,” someone nearby who is black or Hispanic will hear me and think I’m racist.” <—- Yes! Ditto to that, to checking the back seat when I enter my car, to spiders being in shoes, etc. I don't worry about a rat having swum in my glass of overnight water though; instead, I think I'll be drinking a ton of dust in my water. So I dump it.

    – Katie W.

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