A few weeks ago, I wrote this (but never published it):
Ambitions. We all have them.
Everyone always tells you that life is about dwelling in the present; You have to be faithful in the small things if you want to earn the big things. It sounds good on paper, but oh, is it hard sometimes. There’s a lot of waiting. I know I shouldn’t think of my present state as purely waiting–coming home at night to watch Friday Night Lights and feed the cat and do it all again the next day until something better happens. I should think of my day-to-day existence in terms of what I accomplished, what I discovered, what I read, what conversations I had–not marking off days on the calendar, my only joy being that I am one day closer to the Next Big Thing (whenever that day is).
I am just a woman in her twenties now, on the edge of something but I’m not sure what.
Maybe life is just a string of little moments, and one day when I pull back to examine the big picture, I will see a tapestry God has been weaving in me.
Maybe it is in these moments that I find God.
I’ve been struggling with this a lot lately–being in a weird place in life where my undergrad days are over but I don’t know what to do with myself. Where society is telling me to become an adult and work 8-5 in whatever job I can find and save my money for retirement and be happy with it because I can’t change it. Where my heart is telling me, “Yeah I get it, but there’s more to this thing.” Where I look around me and think, “How are any of these people happy?”
Some might call it an existential crisis. Some might call it Cartesian Anxiety.
And yet, in the midst of it all, life keeps moving. And sometimes I am so thankful for that–that no matter what, spring will still come, then summer, then fall, then winter. From that I can tell that the world is not in fact crashing in around me. I am in the midst of a moving world–the world does not depend on me to keep moving. There are still things to discover.